Mary, Mary Quite Contrary, Why Don't Your Babies Grow?

I am the proud aunt of five special nephews. Through these special little guys, I have come to experience the immense joy and love that comes from becoming an aunt. The newest addition to this bunch of boys is a 25 pound-3 month old named Owen. He and his older brother, Isaac, are a result of In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). 

Infertility is not something that many young women consider in their life plans. Girls grow up playing with baby-dolls, pretending to be mommy in an imaginary game of house, and dreaming of a happily ever after with the man of their dreams.

The dream of family comes to a screeching halt when infertility enters the picture. This trial is often unnoticed because of its personal nature. It certainly isn’t easy to talk about either. Infertility comes in many forms. Some couples face never being able to conceive and others face frequent miscarriages. 

My dear parents faced infertility for 6 years before the birth of my sister, Katie. That same sister and her husband faced this trial only a few years ago. Other family members and friends are facing this situation as well. My path is looking similar.

Infertility is hard.

Despite good intentions, there are several unhelpful things to say to those struggling with infertility that include, but are not limited to:

Whose fault is it?

You can always adopt!

Stop trying so hard.

You need more faith.

There’s plenty of time for you to get pregnant.

Why aren’t you trying ­­­_______?

There are worse things that could happen.

Putting school/career before a family?

Just relax.

God must really love me-look at my children. 

You must not be meant to be a parent.

Become a teacher.

I hate morning sickness.

You’re lucky you aren’t pregnant.

From observation and experience, I have come to see rays of light that come through the clouds of infertility.

Be educated. Know your family’s health history. Know your own health. Beware of naïve thinking- “When we want to have kids, we will!” It’s easy for some people, but not for everyone.

Family decisions are between God, husband, and wife. Take the possibility of infertility into account when deciding when to start your family. Time is not your body’s friend when trying to conceive.   

Develop sympathy. This goes both ways. Take into consideration that a lot of people do not know what to say when you are going through infertility. Remember there is a lot of hurt and frustration for couples TTC (trying to conceive). Often, they are on hormone pills, recovering from surgeries, and going through the roller coaster of emotions from high hopes to negative pregnancy results.

Infertility is a slow and emotional process.  Think about it. There is a very small window of opportunity to actually start a successful pregnancy. When it doesn’t happen, there is a month wait. During this time, hopes are being raised only to be shattered by a negative pregnancy test or TOM visit. Then, the process starts again. Month…after month…after month…

Judge not. We never know the circumstances surrounding those around us. We do not always understand why certain blessings are given to some and not to others, but…

God always keeps His promises.  He has not forgotten you and He is aware of you. It is unknown why some children are sent to abusive families and wonderful couples are left barren. There is more than one scriptural account of infertility. There has to be forces greater than our understanding.  

Light comes through understanding. What lights came on for you…? 

Popcorn Reading

There are many circumstances where we are required to read out loud. We are asked to read in school, church, and other settings. Many people don’t consider these as situations that cause anxiety. This has not been my case.

Ever since grade school, I have felt very uneasy about reading out loud. Despite my ability to excel in other educational subjects, I felt my intelligence was judged on my ability to read fluently. Reading silently- no problem. I have always been able to read quickly with good comprehension.  

One particular torture in school was an exercise called “Popcorn Reading”. One student would be required to read a certain amount then call on a fellow classmate to read. “I popcorn ___________ to read.”

The random order forces students to pay attention. When you read in a line or row, most people zone out until it is around their turn to read. We’ve all been guilty of not paying attention until we have to! J

Often, reading in order helped ease my stress. I could read my paragraph or sentence over and over to minimize my mistakes. By the time it was my turn, I still felt a little apprehensive though. In many situations, I still stuttered over phrases and jumbled my words.

Sometimes when there are mistakes in reading, it can be pretty funny. When I heard giggles about things I read wrong, it wasn’t funny to me. It drove me to become less and less confident to read out loud.

Let’s talk about some lights that turned on from my circumstance.

Intelligence cannot be judged on whether someone can read fluently or not.

Be sensitive and patient.

Sometimes the best way to get participation isn’t calling on random people to read out loud.

Reading out loud often, even if it’s by yourself, can help you feel more comfortable. Developing this habit at an early age can prevent future anxiety towards reading in front of others.  It is never too late to start practicing, however.

Let us all be grateful for experiences that help us see things in a different light.

Doing Failure the Right Way

The purpose for a missionary representing the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is to “invite others to come unto Christ by helping them receive the restored gospel through faith in Jesus Christ and His Atonement, repentance, baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end.”

It was not always in my plans to serve a mission for the LDS church. After reading the Book of Mormon, however, I felt an overwhelming desire and urge to share the book with others. While visiting a history site for the church, I had another experience that led my aspiration to serve a mission. This desire to serve others through missionary service grew over time.

What’s a mission? A mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints involves dedicating yourself full-time to the work of God. See the above missionary purpose. This commitment is the length of 18 months for women and 2 years for men. Where you spend your missionary service is decided by modern-day apostles.  Your call to serve is signed by the prophet.  These leaders are the highest officials of the Church.

By accepting a call to serve, you understand the strict standards you will be required to follow. Some of these include, but not limited to:

-Restricted contact with family.  There are two phone calls a year with once-a-week correspondence through email or letters.

-Following schedule guidelines. Wake up at 6:30 AM and go to bed at 10:30 PM. EVERYDAY.  

-Staying with a “companion” for 24 hours a day within proximity of sight and sound.  There are a few exceptions to this, a.k.a. restroom privacy. By the way, this person is assigned to you.

-Work. Work. Work….Work…Work…

With great anticipation, I was called to serve in the Kentucky Louisville Mission. My missionary service would begin in June 2012. After many congratulations and encouraging words, I left with confidence to serve as a successful missionary.

A couple months into my mission, I had a serious wake-up call.

Despite the strict obedience to mission rules, hard work, and anything I did to be successful, I felt like a failure. A BIG FAILURE!  I wanted to see someone accept the message I was sharing and show their change of heart through baptism. After nine months, I had yet to see a baptism.  

I had some bright lights come on during my mission from this experience.

Missions are about God’s work- not yours.

Beware of pride. You will become your own worst enemy.

Learn RESILIENCE. During my mission, I read an article in a magazine called “The Ensign” entitled Raising Resilient Children by Lyle J. Burrup. It brought forward my faults on perfectionism and relying on my own strength instead of God’s. https://www.lds.org/ensign/2013/03/raising-resilient-children?lang=eng

Truly lose yourself in the service of others.

The quicker you learn to be humble, the better off you’ll be.

Out of all the challenges I foresaw in serving a mission, the feeling of failure was the most surprising. This trial taught me so much, however.  My mission has changed my life forever. I saw so many miracles while serving as a missionary of my Savior. Serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was the best thing I could have done in my life at that time. I will never forget the people I met while being a missionary. God truly guided me to that place at that time. My gratitude for my mission is overwhelming, not to mention I met husband there too! J We didn’t know it at the time but that’s another miracle for another time.

Missions turn on a lot of lights!

Potty Trouble

We tend to do the majority of our dealings with healthy people. In some cases, we find out that so-and-so is sick or a neighbor is having some health problems. Healthy folk have thought perplexingly, “They don’t look sick.” I have been guilty of saying these types of statements.

IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), Crohn’s Disease, and other GI (Gastrointestinal) Disorders haunt many people. I have seen many cases of those struggling with undiagnosed pain in this area. Though appearing outwardly healthy, these enduring and brave souls battle significant pain within. Often, these pains go undiagnosed and those inflicted face handling it alone.  

Culture does not help in this case. Typically, discussing your bowel problems is socially unacceptable…and awkward! Let’s face it- who has not on occasion found themselves laughing at commercials, jokes, or stories about others’ intestinal mishaps?  This attitude makes most people at least a little self-conscience about their potty troubles.

Over the past several years, I have seen close loved ones be burdened with GI misfortunes. My heart goes out to those struggling with these issues.

Unforeseen anxieties come to these people. When you go out and interact, do you worry most about whether or not there is a bathroom close by? Do you fret about unknown settings you may find yourself in should your stomach decide it is unhappy with you?  Is there enough going on that people won’t hear your belly roar?

Situations that are particularly hard for people dealing with GI issues: any intimate or quiet setting, deep in nature, movie theaters, classrooms, church, etc. Home is typically where you find the bowel-burdened.

From watching those facing these struggles, I have had lights come on concerning these issues.  

People have inside battles. You do not know what is going on internally for others.  

When you hear of people having struggles in their tummies, recommending diets is unhelpful. GI issues are chronic, which means they have been dealing with it for a long time. I can guarantee they have probably tried the diet you suggested.

There are forces behind why someone might not feel comfortable in particular settings.

All of us like to feel a sense of control. GI problems are basically uncontrollable. Therefore, those with these problems will try and control what they can. This normally means they will be particular about certain situations and settings they agree to.  

To those afflicted with these problems, it is often very embarrassing for them. This is a silent burden. You won’t recall a lot of people sharing these types of trials with you.

Watch your judgments. 

People Grow Up...Sometimes

Definition of a Bully: a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people. 

Observation has led me to think that most adults believe they were bullied during their younger days. Growing-up shines some light on this matter. It also seems to be the solution given to bully situations. "People eventually grow up." Most the time we acknowledge the foolish and awkward minds of adolescents and the immaturity of children. A lot of time we realize how foolish, awkward, and immature we were then too! 

What happens when adults are the bullies? 

In more than one situation, adults have been the culprits of mistreatment to me.  More specifically, it’s been women. Everyone has an instance where a peer has been mean or unkind to them. I am no different. However, I was shocked to experience what it feels like to be "picked-on" by women I was supposed to look up to. 

Several lights came on for me. 

Bullies come in all shapes, sizes, and ages

Friends come in all shapes, sizes, and ages.

Use the actions of others to better yourself, even if those actions are bad. From these people, I learned who I did NOT want to become.

People grow older in years but not necessarily in maturity or kindness.

I grew the deepest gratitude for the caring and kind female leaders I did have in my life.

In my home, I had a magnificent mother and wonderful older sister. Throughout my Church attendance, I found the sweet caring from Sister Walsh, Sister Wright, and Sister Miller. From my friends, I had the amazing Sherri Wright. I now have a remarkable mother-in-law. While serving a mission, I had remarkable mission “moms”. Where would I be without these ladies?! These women are true leaders. 

True leaders love. 

Knees and Feet

Following the path of my sister, I decided to join the tennis team in high school. During this time as a very active tennis player, I started experiencing a strong pain in my knees. This persisted some time until a visit to my doctor. After a diagnosis of “Osgood-Schlatter Disease”, I was sent away with the pain to be reprieved by daily Ibuprofen. He even advised me to quit playing tennis. Well, that wasn’t going to happen! 

In spite of the medication, the pain continued to inflict my knees, even during the off-season. Stairs were particularly painful to climb. Finally, a specialist was sought out and my previous diagnosis was overturned. Soon after, I started Physical Therapy.  

Well, on my first day of P.T., the Physical Therapist told me to do something I thought was a little funny. “Walk down the hallway,” he said. After doing so, he tells me, “The problem is in your feet, not your knees.” Turns out the high arches in my feet were causing my legs to shift, leaving my knee caps slightly off track. Go figure!

Now with inserts in my shoes to support my arch, my knees have significantly improved. I’ll never forget the moment, after years of pain, going up stairs without a cringe.

A light came on for me.

Not only was there a realization of the actual problem behind the pain I was experiencing, but I learned principles from this that can be applied to other aspects of life as well. Be patient. Seek answers. There are unknown connections. Go to the right people. Do what you love! Expect the unexpected.

Our daily journeys involve unforeseen trials. This blog will share the unanticipated lessons and realizations from these unique experiences. 

These unexpected lessons are when the light comes on.